Songs

This is a page of "odds & ends" connected to and/or vaguely related to heraldry.
It is here for fun. Please enjoy.

All rights of the songs, poems, pictures, stories, and other works presented here
belongs to the creators of the works.

Note that the Dustpuppy image and name are copyrighted and belongs to Illiad,
and is used here with permission.

The more correct blazons for these positions (starting from the left) are:

statant contourny, couchant contourny, affronty, passant contourny, rampant contourny, enflamed contourney

by Dmitri Skomorochov

Hail to the herald, of green and crossed horns,
Who blazons things argent, and rampant, with thorns,
Who reads the devices like they were a book,
And identifies strangers with merely a look,

Hail to the herald, the greatest of fools,
Painting in azure and sable and gules,
Displaying a field full of lions and birds,
And spinning them all into colors and words,

Hail to the herald, with monstrous voice,
So those standing nearest don't have any choice,
At dawn's morning light, they make their words known,
And then dodge the pillows so angrily thrown,

Hail to the herald, his nose in a book,
When you need a name, he knows just where to look,
Be you French, Welsh, or Scot, he'll find you the page,
And give you a name from a long distant age,

Hail to the herald, the voice of the crown,
She tells all the people of royal renown,
She carries the word of their wishes and laws,
And bellows their praises without any pause,

Hail to the herald, who yells on the field,
Whose voice causes all our bold fighters to yield,
Dukes, knights, and barons all bow to her word,
And midst all the chaos, she'll always be heard,

Hail to the herald, who governs the site,
There, all of the gentry must bow to his might,
He knows all the schedules, he keeps us on time,
And he'll call on the autocrat to keep us in line,

Hail to the heralds, the heart of the Dream,
We keep the world running with heads full of steam,
We give all we can so that others can play,
And we wouldn't have it any other way.

Picture by Aureliane Rioghail (mka Jeanne-Marie Efferding)
based on the song "The Herald's Complaint"
by Baldwin of Erebor © 1979 Derek Foster
For the lyrics to the song, click HERE. <It's about 3/4 down the page>

A long time ago, my shield was just a blank,
And now that it's filled up, I ought to thank
The pursuivants who collected my whims
Onto my device new and bold and grim.

CHORUS:
There were vert alligators with purpure feet,
A seme of butterflies and chimpanzees,
Some tribbles gorged with earslugs and covered in gore,
But the tackiest of all was the codpiece or.

Now the vert alligator with feet purpure
Is much like a dragon to the careless viewer,
Our canton's pursuivant set it on its head,
And painted it entirely purpure instead.

Of the butterfly and chimpanzee seme,
Our baronial pursuivant had this to say:
"Hard to discern; break the field per fess,
One seme on each half will pass, I guess."

The Herald of our principality
Said tribbles are 25th century;
A haggis with its hands round an English throat,
He felt, would retain that civilized note.

Now the field it was argent up to this stage,
But the Kingdom Herald began to rage;
The colour of the field must be changed also,
Or the codpiece Or had got to go.

Back from the Laurel King of Arms it came:
The codpiece Or, it had remained the same.
Of the alligator only "purpure" was left,
And of all other charges it was bereft.

Of this, Laurel said, "Simple, clear, unique!
As distinctive as I've seen all this month or week.
Strong and aggressive, you will agree,
Symbol of all you aspire to be."

(Last Chorus)
There were vert alligators with purpure feet,
A seme of butterflies and chimpanzees,
Some tribbles gorged with earslugs and covered in gore
But the one that got passed was the codpiece Or.

by AElfwyn aet Gywrum
(A filk of the song "Comedy Tonight" from the film, "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.")

Something to blazon,
Something to graze on,
Something to conflict check, it's heraldry tonight.

Some will be Gaelic,
Some will be phallic,
Some with a laurel wreath, it's heraldry tonight.

by Tamar ibn Vakare
(A filk to the tune of: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing) [June 1980]

Hark! The Herald Alfgar screams,
Don't use blues on top of greens.
Or and argent, that's all right,
Metals and tinctures don't fight.
Use a blend, no Highland plaids,
Keep it simple, please my lads,
Azure, vert, purpure and gules,
Must follow all my Herald's rules.
Hark! The Herald Alfgar screams,
Don't use blues on top of greens.

Hark! The Herald Alfgar yells,
Don't use cars and oilwells.
Period, we beg you please,
Tygers we can draw with ease.
Please don't ask for rubber bands,
These must pass through Laurel's hands.
We draw rampant, couchant, too,
Dancing the Hustle, no can do!
Hark! The Herald Alfgar yells,
Don't use cars and oilwells.

by Iulstan Sigewealding
(A filk of the song "Do, Re, Mi" from the movie "The Sound of Music")

D'eau: a goute, a silver goute.
D'or: a drop of golden sun.
D'huile: a name for olive goutes.
Poix: a pitch-drop on the run.

Sangue: a needle-prick that's bled.
Larmes: the tears of blue that flow.
Vin: a drink with thou and bread
That will bring us back to d'eau d'eau d'eau d'eau ...

Hello and welcome to 1-900-HERALDS. I'm your host, the Dominatrix
Pursuivant, and I'm here to fulfill all of your heraldic fantasies.

We have a wonderful selection of indulgences to choose from. Let me
emblazon them for you.

Our first selection is called "Consultation". This is where you and I do a
"one-on-one" and for a small administrative fee you can submit your "device"
to me and I will take it all the way.........to the next kingdom heraldry
meeting. Now, it may take up to six months to hear back, but if you're a
good submitter, I'll see if I can make it four.

Our second selection is called "Blazon". This is where I tempt you by
creating a blazon with all those little no-no's. How about "Quarterly, azure
semy-de-lys Or and paly bendy gules and Or, two crosses in bend gules
and two lions rampant in bend sinister sable." If you like, when you come
back we can try something naughty with gyronny and vair ancient.

Our third selection is for the literary minded. Here you can enjoy creative
readings from all of your favorite books; Papworth, Parkers, the Pictorial
Dictionary,and, of course, the SCA Ordinary. My favorite section is Complex
Lines of Division.

Now, if you find yourself interested in the "group thing", we offer something
unique that we call "Forum". This is where you can throw yourself into the
passion of arguing points of difference with other members of the College of
Arms. Who wouldn't get excited when they heard someone shout out a violation
of X.4.j or feel a thrill go through them at the sound of a citation from Da'ud..........one?

I hope that you will find something to interest you here and don't forget our
motto: "Everything is always Big, Bold, Butch."

Thank you again for calling 1-900-HERALDS; serving all your heraldic needs
since A.S. XXIX.

I proceeded to tell her the story of the twenty-seven
eight-by-ten colour laser-printed forms with the roundels
and arrows and the paragraph on the back of each one,
and she stopped me right there and said, "Kid, I want you
to go and sit down on that bench that says group W .... NOW, kid!!".

And I walked over to the bench there, and there's group W,
which is where they put you if you may not be *authentic*
enough to play in the S.C.A. after wearing your special garb,
and there was all kinds of weird strange bizarre-looking people
on the bench there.

Vampires. Elves. Vampire elves! Vampire elves sitting right
there on the bench next to me! And they was weird and strange
and bizarre-looking and silly fantasy-type guys sitting on the bench
next to me. And the weirdest strangest bizarrest one, the weirdest
bunny-fur vampire elf of them all, was coming over to me and she
was weird an' strange an' bizarre an' silly and all kinds of
things and she sat down next to me and said, "Kid, what were ya
wearing?". I said, "I wasn't wearing nothing, I was just trying
to submit!"

And they all moved towards me on the bench there, and a lot of
sudden interest and all kinds of weird strange things, till I said,
"Submit my *device*!". And they all moved away again...

"Then they brought him his blazon that was of brilliant gules
with the pentagle depicted in pure hue of gold.
By the baldric he caught it, and about his neck he cast it:
right well and worthily it went with the knight.

And why the pentangle is proper to that prince so noble
I intend to tell you, though it tarry my story.
It is a sign that Solomon once set on a time
to betoken Troth, as it is entitled to do;
for it is a figure that in its five points holdeth,
and each line overlaps and is linked with another,
and every way it is endless; and the English, I hear,
everywhere name it the Endless Knot.

So it suits well this knight and his unsullied arms;
for ever faithful in five points, and five times under each,
Gawain as good was acknowledged and as gold refined,
devoid of every vice and with virtues adorned.

So there the pentangle painted new
he on his coat did waer,
as one of word most true
and knight of bearing fair. "

'Sir Gawain and the Green Knight'
ed. J.R.R. Tolkien
pub Ballantine Fantasy c. 1975
ISBN 0-345-27760-0

This is an excerpt from the book, Accedens of Armorie, by Gerard Legh.
[Some sources date this circa 1578, others circa 1597.]

L: I pray you leave of, & shew me some other lesson. For you use me lyke a
dull scoller, to kepe me at the Christe crosse rowe, a hole wyke together:
werefore as it hath pleased you to enterlace the blason of Armes with the
knowledge of other thinges: So would I lykewise desire at this time to knowe
howe officers of Armes were firste made, And wheter they were called
Herehaughtes, as nowe they are.

G: At the first, there were certaine knightes called auncientes, suche as had
served in the warres twenty yeares at the least, who being sore brused, lamed,
and well stepte into yeares (those I say),were made by Emperours, and Kings,
the Judges of marciall actes. & of the lawes of armes, As of Conquestes, Fyeldes,
Battles, Assaltes, Rodes, Combattes, Turneyes, Encountrings, Recountrings,
Rescues, Challenges, and triumphes. These were not onely electe for their
cunninge in that behalfe, but for their vertuous life, & sage counsell. For as
Upton sayeth, they gave counselll without perill. For the which, they were of
all Estates worshiped. But in process of time, as ye see in this worlde that
there is no stay of lyfe, so they ware out. And after them succeded Herehaughtes
(which by interpretation is as much to saye as olde lords) & were so called,
for vertues of theim and honour of their service. These if they be not Civilians,
yet are they greatly priviledged by that lawe. For the lawe of Armes, is most
parte directed by the Civile lawe. Of these officers of Armes I saye, at this daye
are sondrye sortes, and that of sondry Services, and are diversly created & made,
whereof I will shewe you, beginning at the lowest, with Uptons owne wordes.
It is necessary saith he, that all estates shulde have Currours, as sure messengers,
for the expedition of their businesse, whose office is to passe and repasse on fote,
beinge cladd in their princes colours parted upright, as the one halfe white, and
the other blacke, like as the Sergeaunts at the lawe, doe give their liveries, in time
of their feast. These I saye, have the Armes of their soveraignes painted on their
boxes, the which, shoulde be fixed to their girdell, and sett on the raines of their
backe, on the lefte side. It is not permitted to them to beare the armes of their lorde,
in any other sorte, these are knightes in their offices, but not nobles, & are called
knightes caligate of Armes, because they weare startuppes, to the middell legge.
Theis when they have behaved themselves wisely, and served worshipfully in
this rome the space of seven yeres, then were they sett on horsebacke, and
called Chivallers of Armes, for that they rodde on theyr soveraignes messages.
Then were they cladd in one colour, with their garments garded of the coulours
of theyr soveraigne, bearinge their boxes, with their soveraignes Armes painted
thereon, on the left shoulder, and notels where. Theis muste be so vertuous as
not to be reprouved. For Salomon saith, an ungodly messenger, falleth into mischife.
These are made by the Herehaught of that province, by the taking of the boxe from
his girdell, and putting it to his lefte shoulder, & to see wheter he can ride, ministring
unto him a speciall othe. The knighte Chivallier humbly knelynge upon his knee, in
the which time, of receaving his othe, he shall have no Spurres on.

When he hath served in that Rome seven yeares, if his soveraigne please, he
maye exalte hym one degree higher, whiche is to be created a Purcevaunte, that
muste be done with somewhat more solempnitie, an on no lesse feaste daye, then
on a Sondaye, in suche sorte as followith. The Herehaughte of armes, of the province
that he must be purcevaunte to, indued wyth his princes cote of armes with his left
hande, holdeth the Purcevante by the right hande, in the maner of a leading. The same
Herehaughte, beareth in his righte hande, a Cuppe of Silver, filled with wyne and water
commixed, and drawing nere unto his soveraigne, of whome (in the presence of many
witnesses, to this called) he asketh of his saide soveraigne, what is the name of his
purcevaunte, the soveraigne telleth the name, by the whiche name the Herehaughte
createth him, powringe on his bare hedd some of the wyne & water above spoken of.
Then he putteth over his hedd, upon his shoulders, a Cote of the Armes of his soveraigne,
overthwarte, that is to say, the manches of the Cote, to be on his brest & backe. On that
fashion shal be ware the same, as long as he is Purcevaunte, and none other wayes.
But here I leave out the othe, that should be menistred unto him, for lengthening of time.
After which othe ministred, the soveraigne geveth unto him, the Cuppe wherewith he
was created, which he beareth in his right hande, untill he come oute of the Pallace.
This Purcevaunte when he rideth muste were blacke spurres the whiche he muste
have on, at the time of his creation. And when he hath served any time, he maye, at the
pleasure of the prince, be created an Herehaughte, even the next daye after he is created
Purcevaunte, which is done in this order.

An herehaught, is an highe office in all his services, as in message. For as
Angels have passed from God to man, as appeareth in the Scriptures, & have
done messages of sorrowe, as of moste heavenlye and earthly joye: even so are
theis Herehaughtes messengers, from Emperour to Emperour, from Kinge to Kinge,
and so from one Prince to another, some time declaring peace, and some time
againe pronouncing warre. Theis, like Mercuri, runne up & doune, having on them,
not only Aarons surcut, but his eloquence, which Moses lacked.

Wherefore I saye, the Herehaught is not created but onely at the handes of the
prince. Before whiche creacion, he shall have his admonition, geven him by
the Secretary of the same prince, as in these ten articles hereafter followeth:

1. You shalbe readye in youre apparel of armes at all Coronations, Creations,
and Christeninges. And in all high feastes, and with all youre power, you shall
geve instructions of the same, to all officers of armes, servinge under you.

2. You shall geve your selfe to your learninge, and teache officers under you,
of all services appertaining to honour.

3. Ye shalbe expert, in betrothing of Princes and princesses, as well as in
numbringe of the people.

6. You shall not suffer one genteleman to maligne another. And railing you
shalt let to the uttermost of your power.

7. In doing of armes, and martial actes, you shall favour no partye, but make
true report.

8. Ye shalbe at all publique proclamacions, done on your princes behalfe, in
his cote of armes.

9. Ye shall not disclose the secrets of ladies or gentle woman, to any man or
woman, whatsoever you know by them.

The prince then asketh him, whether hee bee a gentleman of bloode, or of a
seconde cote Armour. If he be not, hee endueth him with landes or fees, and
assigneth unto him and his heires a congruent Armes. Then like as the messenger
is broughte in with the Herehaughte of his province, so is this Purcevant brought
in with the eldest Herehaught: Who at the commaundement of the Prince, doth all
the solempnities, as to tourne the cote of armes, settinge the manches thereof on
the armes of the said Purcevaunt, and putteth aboute his necke a coller of SS. The
one S. beinge argent, the other S. Sable.

And when hee is named, the prince himselfe taketh the cuppe from the Herehaught,
whiche cuppe is all gylte, and powreth the water and wine uppon the head of the
saide Purcevant, creating hym by the name of an Herehaught, which when the oth
is ministred, geeveth the same cuppe, that hee was created wyth all, unto the same
newe Herehaughte: who bearing the same in his right hande, maketh a larges in the
hall of his Soveraigne. For it is saide of the Philosopher, the liberall reward of a prince,
is not to be knit in a sacke, as was the cuppe, that was found in Benjamins sackes
mouthe, for the whiche, hee, and all his brethren promised bondage.

Thus ende I of the Herehaught, who taketh his name of age. Whiche as Salomon
saith is a crowne of worship.

Bezant	......	person married to a bezuncle.

Couchant	......	seated on a couch.

Counter-ermine	......	animal-rights activism.

Courant	......	recent.

Dancetty	......	skipetty-to-the-left (kick, kick).

Enarched	......	stopped at McDonalds on way to site.

Escarbuncle	......	expensive French dish of roasted barnacles.

Foil	......	thin sheet of aluminum or tin.

Formy	......	plea of the indolent (e.g. Please do this formy!).

Fretted	......	high strung.

Gout	......	not bad.

Humetty	......	sung without the words.

Lozenge	......	a cough drop, for soothing the throat.

Maunch	......	to snack.

The Postures of Cats: A Bit Of Heraldic Silliness
by Lothar von Katzenellenbogen

Someone proposed "a cat improper" to describe a cat washing its naughty bits
(I would propose "a cat in its immodesty"). Alison described cats "counter elongant".
There is also "a cat in its curiousity" in SCA heraldry (a cat looking into a jug) and
"a cat herissony" (back arched, head guardant - like a Halloween cat) in mundane heraldry.

A cat balancant	-	all four feet together tail up, balancing on top of some improbably narrow surface
A cat crashant	-	asleep, draped over whatever is at hand
A cat friskant	-	leaping up int the air front paws outstretched to snag an insect or cat toy out of the air
A cat in its anticipation	-	head up, tail up, yowling to be fed. This could also be described as "a cat lobbyant"
A cat in its satisfaction	-	like a cat meatloaftant q.v. but in a box or basket that it has discovered
A cat in its vanity	-	sejant affronty, pulled up tight with the tail coiled around the feet and the eyes closed
A cat lurkant	-	head down, body tensed, tail straight out, eyes all buggy like when the cat is trying to sneak up on a bird or rodent
A cat meatloafant	-	couchant, eyes closed, tail coiled around the feet
A cat nappant in annulo	-	asleep in a ball
A cat scratchant	-	working over a scratching post or the back of the sofa
A cat stretchant	-	head down, tail up, yawning
A cat washant	-	licking the front paw. This could also be described as "a cat in it's pride" since every cat owner knows that three quick licks to the paw or shoulder means "Stop laughing! I meant to do that!"
A kitten in its foolishness	-	a kitten on its back, waving its paws in the air hopelessly immeshed in an unravelled ball of yarn

Lothar (who knows that "a cat irritant" is one that sits on the keyboard while you're
trying to type.

Words by : Alfredo el Bufon (Edward Q. Hopkins)
Tune of : Counting Cadence (U.S. Army Marching Song)

Hail to the Herald